I'm driving home from work and I hear a commercial:
5 DVD's for 15$ @ <insert Local Adult Store name>
So, I think to myself... "I have no new Porn and at that price, I can't afford to NOT go buy some".
So as I'm making my way to my destination I talk to <name redacted> and in conversation I tell him I am on my way to pick up a treasure trove of Porn, he asks me to find a movie by "Catalina Cruz" and he will repay me for it. (This will come into play later).
Following my slight detour on the way home, I stop at the Adult store and as I walk in I notice a fairly attractive young lady working the counter, she's on the phone but gives me a
courteous smile as I head back towards the DVD section.
I stand before the cornucopia of smut and am slowly trying to take in all the different movies that lay before me and I notice they are not alphabetical but in fact, labeled by "genre".
Here are some examples of the "types":
"Plot" (which makes me chuckle)
So standing before the most beautiful site I have ever seen, entranced by all the flesh on the covers, I didn't begin to notice the clerk who had moved next to me....
Shocked to see her standing next to me I made eye contact and she said in a pleasant voice "Are you looking for anything in particular?". Not wanting to betray
my interest in Hispanic Lesbian Masturbation Parties, I just mentioned that I was "browsing". She replied with "no problem" , and she went on to say "we have all the movies here and if you'll follow me around the corner here, we also have all of these movies".
Following her around the corner I noticed that she had taken me to the section that also included the next level of pornography:
Feeling my masculinity threatened I mentioned "I think I will be more interested in the other section". She said "OK, well, as you can see we have them sectioned by type... I can suggest some titles, are you into facials, anal, or something else?"
Now, I don't know if it's the Catholic school boy in me but, unless I'm dating a woman or very comfortable with her, I have ZERO ability to talk about my sexual interests.
So after what seemed to be a year and a half of stammering "uhhh, I , uhhhh, welll, uhhhh" I mentioned that my buddy had asked me to "Pick up a movie by Catalina Cruz".
She said "oh, I think I know who that is... does she do a lot of Anal?"
Seriously, how does someone respond to that? I mentioned to her that I personally had not viewed her movies so didn't know "exactly what she specialized in."
The clerk said she would see what she could find. I went about trying to find something that looked interesting to me and also mentioned that I had never really seen a movie
with a plot so if she could suggest that, I wouldn't mind seeing it. (trying my best to not be the perverted bastard that I am, yes...)
A few minutes went by and I had happened upon "EAGER BEAVER 2" (which had to be great since they made a second one.)
Our friendly clerk had found a movie with Catarina in it and showed it to me and said "is this who you are looking for?" (now, I had already told her twice that I didn't know who the
"actress" was but, as it occurred to me, I'm sure a multitude of the people that go in there are always there for "someone else"). I replied to her that "I really didn't know who
she was but, I would check real quick on my iPhone". (yup, the iPhone in all it's greatness saves me again). With a quick google and some clicking I had stumbled upon Catarina Cruz's website.
SIDENOTE: GOOD CALL <redacted>, SHE IS SMOKING HOT
Unfortunately, this was not the Catrina in question. But, she was cute and it was an all Hispanic DVD so I suggested that I would "hold on" to that one anyway.
Now that the Catrina situation was taken care of the Clerk brought out a movie that she said was her favorite adult film of all time and it had a good plot. She was very excited
about it and I didn't want to disappoint her so I added it to my stack of 3 movies..... only 2 more to go....
I next suggested that I would like to get one with a funny title because those are always good in jokes and stories with the guys... (this story for example).. After some joking with the clerk (I was slowing becoming comfortable talking to her about my movie interests) we settled on "LIFESTYLES OF THE TITS AND ANUS". Yes, that is the name of the movie and I bought it. AWESOME.
I told the clerk I would just browse for my last movie so she went back to the counter and I grabbed a title that sounded plot driven "LESBIAN BEACH ORGY". Seriously, what says Academy Award more than that?
Well, as I had been searching for my final movie a young couple probably in their 20's had entered the store and were at the counter mentioning that their purchase had not performed to expectations. Wanting to see what they were dissatisfied with, I sneaked a quick peak to see the largest phallic device my eyes had ever laid sight upon. Seriously, I bet this F'n thing had a two stroke diesel engine in it... I looked at the girl and then the guy and thought to myself "so who isn't satisfied by this thing?" because if she isn't, that guy better seriously give up on EVER pleasing her. If he was the one not happy, I think he would be best to smear bananas on the back of his neck and jump naked into the gorilla cage.
So after that transaction had been dealt with, I purchased my movies and walked out, happy to know that even though I was a bit of a pervert for buying Pornography I wasn't returning a jet engine because it didn't get me off.