Another McAdventure but, this time we will turn the story on it's ear… I was not an active participant on this adventure but, my house unfortunately paid a heavy price.
There are a number of rules and maxims that I have learned knowing my friends as long as I have now but, one of the rules I learned the hard way is:"If you are out drinking with Person1, make sure to go home before it becomes a whiskey night."
So living near downtown Indianapolis, I have the fortunate and unfortunate luck of being a sending off point and often a landing point for many nights out on the town by my group of friends. One such night, my house was not the starting point but, it was surely the
landing zone. For your enjoyment I will tell the story not in chronological order but, the order in which it became apparent to me...
………Waking up on a beautiful Saturday morning by the unnatural sound of trees being felled in my living room, I walked out of my bedroom and took a quick stop in my bathroom. I first noticed that It had appeared as if a rhino had stormed through my bathroom with
towels everywhere and a strange streak of what milk chocolate on the shower curtain. At least, I told myself at this point that it was milk chocolate.
Wanting to get some sort of resolution to what the hell was going on I walked to the living room only to discover the barely living corpse of Person1. Waking him from his slumber, I asked what had happened that brought him to
sleep in my house and he mentioned that "they" had enjoyed a long night of bar hopping and had finished the night with free whiskey shots at a bar where Person1 new the bartender. Not wanting to pay for a cab all the way to the N Side of Indianapolis, they decided
to take a cab to my house and crash there. I had no problem with this but, I asked "Why the bathroom was a mess and where was Person2?"
Person1 suggested that I "Go down stairs and ask Person2, what happened in the bathroom". Heading down to the basement I see a pile of clothes on top of the dryer and Person2 asleep on the basement couch. Calling out his name he sheepishly turns to me in
what appeared from my vantage point to be on the wrong side of the worst hangover in history, he nearly inaudibly mummers "I..shower… wash clothes". Realizing he barely has the ability to speak, let alone properly convey the true story behind my bathroom, I
head upstairs and restart my inquisition of Person1. Pulling himself together he relates the end of the night and the ridiculous amount of whiskey that the amazing duo had imbibed. As I mentioned earlier, they decided to take a cab to my home.
This is where the story takes a bad turn for Person2. I will at this time suggest those with a weak stomach prepare themselves…..
Exiting the cab Person2 was unable to resist the urge to completely evacuate the contents of his stomach as soon as the ride ended. UNFORTUNATELY, his sphincter also decoded this message as "evacuate the contents of my bowels". So in the process of
emptying his stomach on my front lawn he was filling his trousers at the exact same time. A bit of a drunken Yin and Yang, I guess. Fortunately for the comedy value of those of us reading this story, it was a simple matter of inertia…
the thought of crapping his pants made him vomit, and the violent action of vommiting caused him to continue to crap his pants. Finally after emptying both ends, he stumbled into my house and took a shower while throwing his pants and shirt in my washer.
Now, obviously good reason and any common sense had been drowned by booze much earlier in the night so, I will point out that he didn't empty his pockets so he also washed his iPhone and his wallet and car keys. A terrible end of the night and even more
reason to not drink whiskey with _________.
… For those interested, I bleached the shower curtain a few times but, ultimately couldn't keep it knowing it had been defiled that night.