No hidden names on this adventure though, this is a very delicate subject…
About 5 years ago, I began to notice a certain dull ache in my most intimate of regions. Having had two friends who suffered from a testicle torsion, I was aware of the seriousness of issues you can have with your testicles but, my pain was not very severe and my self check for soreness or lumps usually ended in five minutes of vigorous searching followed by a twenty minute nap. All kidding aside, after about a week of continued pain and worrying, I decided to call my doctor to schedule an appointment.
Unfortunately, my doctors office was not going to be able to get me in for an exam for over a week but, they assured me that if "the pain worsened or became severe, that I should seek an emergency room". Well, at this point, I decided I wasn't going to wait any longer and I should just go to the ER to see if they could get to the bottom of my testicle pain.
Walking into the ER, I trotted to the front desk, and waited for the receptionist to ask me why I was at the ER today. I politely replied "I'm having some pain in my testicle". Now, I'm not sure if it's because of the statistical majority of males in the health care industry, or some other reason but, apparently if you use the word "testicle" in your reason for visiting the ER they immediately whisk you back to one of the exam rooms. Finding myself in the exam room after a quick vitals test, they asked me to put on the hospital gown and wait for the doctor. Finally, the doctor showed up and asked me to lay back as he examined my gonads. Not sure of the actual etiquette one has to follow when a complete stranger has your coin purse in his hand, I laid there silently as the doctor examined one testicle, then the other, then back to the first, then back to the second. Finally, after what seemed to be longer than required, the doctor said to me "The right one does seem to be a bit bigger". Happy to hear he had confirmed what I had worked out years ago, I said to him "Yeah, but unfortunately, it's the left one that is hurting me." Obviously displeased with this reply, the doctor said he was going to confer with someone else and he would be back. About 10 minutes later, another doctor showed up and mentioned that they were going to check my prostate. Obviously, this caught my attention. "Wait, what?" I said. "Yeah" he said. "We want to do a quick check of your prostate to verify it's not causing this issue."
Sidenote: I'll be honest, I didn't think it at the time but, ever since I have been retelling this story, I wonder if the prostate exam was due to my mocking the doctor who examined my testicles.
Anyway, back to the story. So, not only had I had my genitals examined by one doctor moments before but, now another doctor was asking me to roll over on my side and pull my knees to my chest. Complying, and as I laid there on my side, I heard the doctor putting on gloves and lubricant and realized that my kermit the frog impression was going to get much more realistic as soon I would understand what it was like to have a hand in my ass. Following the doctors assurance that I would "Feel a little pressure", I realized this trip to the ER was probably pretty similar to that dirty massage parlor right down the street (but, probably much more expensive). After the doctor was done making me his bitch, he passed me a brown paper towel and told me I could wipe up. Being a guy that uses humor to bridge awkward situations I asked him "will you call me later?" (Sure, it's an old joke but, I still think it's funny). Unfortunately, and understandably, this doctor didn't find any humor in it. In retrospect, he's probably heard that joke 100 times and he probably enjoys prostate exams as much as his patients. The doctor did reply before he left "The other doctor will be in shortly".
As I wiped away the lubricant and tried to hide the shame as I prepared for the next doctor, a nurse came in with an IV or a drink mix. It's not really important to the story but, I just hate that I can't remember which one it was, lol. None the less, she said they were giving me some sort of nuclear sludge that would allow them to do a test a bit later. About 30min later, another nurse showed up and asked to wheel me down to the testing room. Once in the exam room, the nurse cautioned me "Some people find this machine causes a very warm sensation in their anus while the machine is running." Honestly, I wanted to laugh at her as that sounded like the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard. Well, you the reader know where this is going… No sooner was I in the machine, than did I feel like someone had just shoved a hot poker up my ass. I couldn't help but call out to the nurse and say "Boy, you weren't kidding about that ass on fire thing". The nurse replied via the mic in the control room and asked me to please be still while the exam was running. I assured her that it would be easier for me if "there wasn't the heat of 1000 suns in my rectum". Thankfully, the heat subsided as soon as the test machine was turned off.
Once the exam was over, they took me back to my room and I waited for what seemed like another hour for the doctor to return. When the doctor finally returned he told me that all the exams were fine and they could find no reason for my pain. They discharged me and told me to follow up with my own doctor.
Years later everything is fine and they never were able to find what caused my pain. I promise you this though, if the pain ever returns, I'll just take 200 dollars to the rub-n-tug massage parlor and call it a day.