So, I've never been a very smooth guy… romantic yes but, smooth… hardly. This point will be driven home by the following story. So being a single and boring guy, I found myself with nothing to do on Saturday night so, having been snowed in the last few days, I decided to go to the hardware store and supermarket to purchase some things I have been needing.
Ultimately finding myself and Walmart @8pm on a Saturday evening, I took time looking at all the things I didn't need. (I was particularly looking for a remote control helicopter toy as I saw my nephew get one this Christmas and I ended up flying it and enjoying the hell out of it) ((One might mention that shopping for toys on a Saturday night might be part of the reason I'm single but, we won't do a full psychoanalysis in this review of the evenings events)).
Back to the main story, as I was moving to the checkout counter I saw an attractive lady speed up to make sure she got in the shortest row ahead of me. I didn't mind because A) I had nothing to do. B) I mentioned she was attractive, right? So, as we stood in line I made a quick mental check of her items:
1. Pasta (single serving package) 2. Pasta Sauce (White) 3. Eggplant 4. Diet Mountain Dew 5. Hot Sauce
So not only was she clearly single but, she enjoyed Mountain Dew (Whiskey Tango) and she liked her food spicy. Clearly, I was moments away from meeting my soulmate.
As she was also in my target target zone as well (Brunette, ample bosom) I began to review the things I could say to introduce myself and not sound like the dork that I am.
I began playing multiple interactions in my head that lead to us exchanging phone numbers or even picking up a red box movie on the way out together…
My fantasy world was quickly shattered when she interrupted it by actually speaking to me.
"Excuse me, would you mind passing me one of those spearmint gum packs?" she said.
Holy Shit… she spoke to me.. pull yourself together Mike.. Remember, slow and steady.
"Sure" I said, in what I hoped was the most masculine and sexually charged voice she had ever heard.
Passing her the gum pack she smiled and I was quickly scrambling in my head to figure out how to keep the conversation going.
Struggling to decide and not wanting the silence in the conversation to win, I quickly blurted out "I like hot sauce"..
…. I like hot sauce … Of the multitude of things I could have lead with, I choose "I like hot sauce".
"Me too" she said, with a questioning look on her face, no doubt wondering what version of Autism I suffered from.
Quickly she turned towards the cashier, making it very clear that my first announcement of condiments that I enjoy was all she wanted to hear.
Realizing there was no recovery from "I like hot sauce", it occurred to me I might as well have just proclaimed my love of self gratification as it was also true, and much more closely associated with the type of relationship I was going to have with this young lady.
Oh well, maybe there's a girl out there just wanting to find someone who proclaims his love of hot sauce...