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Rectum, nearly killed 'em

It’s been awhile since I shared an adventure but, I think you will appreciate the story I have to share today.

We won’t have to use the way back machine to tell this story, this one is fresh as the stories can get.

Dear readers, I had found myself in somewhat awkward position last week, during my standard morning ritual of getting ready for work, I had noticed a lump of some sort while cleaning up and a bit of blood. As one would, this alarmed me but, I had dealt with hemorrhoids before, so as the athletes say, “I rubbed some dirt in it (Preparation H in this case)”, and continued on my day.

Unfortunately, this hemorrhoid was not to be ignored. Days later, I noticed it seemed to have grown and the bloodletting had begun to rival that of a pagan ritual. Spurred by concern, I made an appointment with my doctor. Unfortunately, before I could see my doctor, I spent the next day walking quite a bit and felt a noticeable “issue” as if I had been sweating down my back from playing hours of basketball.

Reaching home, I examined what would have no doubt choked a crime scene investigator. I was certain there had been a dog fight at my “back doorstep” and both dogs had bled out.

Fortunately, I was able to get a referral from my doctor to go to a colon/rectal specialist the next day. Arriving at the office, I was nervous as I was certain there was something terrible wrong with me. As I slowly watched the other patients shuffle in and out, I finally heard them call “McShea”. Making my way to the nurse she asked me “How are you today?” Not wanting to lie to her, I said, “Honestly, I thought of running when you called my name as I’m very nervous of this procedure”. She smiled and assured me I had nothing to worry about.

Getting back to the exam room, the nurse invited me to take a seat and asked me why I was there. Now honestly, I thought about telling her that I was dyslexic and had a toothache but, as I was nervous and she had been kind, I said “Hemorrhoids”. After the standard exam room survey, she mentioned she was going to take my vitals. Upon inspection, she questioned me if I was still nervous, as my pulse and heart rate were still elevated. I said “Ma’m I know what is going to happen in this room shortly. Yes, I am very nervous”.

The Nurse replied “Well, we are to the part where we are going to inspect your bottom (her words, not mine) so if you could please remove your pants and underwear and pull this blanket over to cover yourself, the doctor and I will be back for the exam”. Two things dear reader.

1. It’s not a blanket, It’s a napkin the size of a picnic table. 2. As I sat there with my pants and underwear at my ankles, I couldn’t help but think of how similar this was to the first time I had sex. I had no pants on and very little idea how to handle the next 2-3 minutes.

At this point, the doctor appeared. Much to my relief she was a good 5 inches shorter than me, which screamed to me… “small hands”.

The doctor was very nice and tried to calm my fears after I told her.. “I must admit Doc, I’m a little nervous about all this”. She replied “I assure you, I have the smallest hands of all the doctors in this clinic”. I nervously chuckled as she continued “So, were going to go forward with the exam, would you mind laying on your left side and bringing your knees up towards your chest?” I complied with her request and knew that all systems were go, and we were ready for launch.

The doctor was very calmly talking to me and explaining what she was doing. She first mentioned “Ok, I”m going to put some lubricant on my gloved hand and then I’m going to do a manual examination” I quickly said “I guess it’s too late to run now?” she assured me it was.

Readers, I would like to take a moment before I continue the story and focus on my female readers. Guys, feel free to skip down to the next paragraph. Ladies.. I know you go through this all the time and with much less dignity than this lady was affording me so I’d like to let you know that now on a much smaller level, I appreciate your visits to the OBGYN.

So, there it was, I could feel this lady doing a manual inspection of my exit. She continued to tell me to “relax and breathe slowly”. Trying to break my tension with a nervous joke I told the doctor, “Doc, I know you said you have small hands but, I am currently mistaking you for a NBA All-Star”. She chuckled and and said “Well, I’m actually done with this but, I am going to need to use my scope to check a bit deeper”.

I audibly gulped.

The doctor said “I know you hear this in the movies but, you are going to feel some pressure, I just need you to relax and take deep breaths” I told her “I will do my best just do what you must”.

BOY DID I FEEL PRESSURE. PRESSURE WAS FELT. As the doctor, continued to jam the baseball bat she called a “Scope” into my rectum, I whimpered. She assured me I was “Doing fine” and “we were nearly done”. Trying to find my happy place, I was jarred back to reality when the doctor said “I’m going to move the scope in just a bit deeper”.

Readers, have you heard the sound in WWII movies when a submarine is diving? I’m not sure if such an alarm actually went off in that room but, I clearly heard it. I heard it loud and clear.

Then…. I felt it. The doctor had somehow found a way to place the scope so that I felt as if I was hiding a metric ton of Colombian cocaine in my rectum. At this point, I had an epiphany that I felt compelled to share with the doctor following what no doubt sounded like a grown man crying.

The doctor said “Are you ok, Mr McShea?”

“Yes”, I said to the doctor “but, ma’m if you can let me know when your done, I’d appreciate it as I need to call a few ex-girlfriends and apologize to them”.

It was at this time that I heard both the nurse and the doctor laugh out loud, the doctor despite of herself, even snorted. The doctor told me “I was too funny, and she was going to remove the probe now” and she did.

With that the nurse wiped my “bottom” as if I were a child, and they said they would leave and allow me to re-dress and then they would let me know their findings.

I quickly redressed and the doctor came back in and said “First off, you have a very healthy rectum” I laughed and said, “I don’t think my rectum has ever been appreciated like that, thank you.” She said, “You have honestly been the funniest patient I have ever had”.

So I left the office as the funniest patient ever title and a newly pronounced “Healthy Rectum”.

Today was a good day. Take care of yourself, readers.

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Indianapolis, IN, USA

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